Coffee & Donuts
by rajikka
Summary: AU cop story set in the fictional Daten City (Think New York meets Chicago meets Tokyo) where the detectives from the 12th Precinct find it more and more challenging to serve and protect a city filled with the Russian mob, K-Pop obsessed weapons dealers, and short-tempered big brothers with mafia connections. Pairings of all different types/genders.
1. Jelly-Filled

**Crimes & Donuts Chapters**

Jelly-Filled (part 1)

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this crazy attempt at a cop fic.

Warning: I feel like I should just be able to type character names and you all would know what to watch out for/expect, but just in case…vulgar language, sexual innuendoes, violence (silly and run for your lives types), pairings of all different types/genders, and because this is an AU…some OOCness.

This is another example of a fic that's been yipping and nipping at my ankles more than my neighbor's possessed poodle-demon. In order to make it more fun, I tried writing it in the 1st person. We'll see how that goes! Enjoy!

* * *

- FELICIANO'S POV -

* * *

It was a warm, spring day and I was standing in the middle of a beautiful field. Flowers bloomed all around me. I bent down to smell one – oregano! The flowers were pasta flowers! It was the most wonderful—

"Feliciano…Feliciano…Wake up, verdammte!

It was right around there that I woke up tied to a chair. My partner Ludwig was tied to the chair facing away from me. The field of pasta flowers was gone and the unfamiliar view of concrete and leaky pipes came into view.

"Hi, Ludwig!" I greeted him cheerfully.

"This is no time to be smiling and happy," my partner scolded me. "There's a _bomb_ tied to us!"

**28 hours earlier…**

I had just pulled a fresh pan of lasagna out of the oven for dinner. Taking the cap off a bottle of parsley flakes, I sprinkled them on as the final topping. _Va bene!_ I wanted it to be perfect since my partner was joining my brother and me for dinner! This particular combination made me glad I was a police officer, since it often got scary.

The doorbell buzzed from the other side of the apartment.

"That must be Ludwig!" I exclaimed.

"I hate that guy…" Lovino grumbled, plucking a cherry tomato out of the salad.

"Fratello, please at least try to behave…" I sighed, putting down the pan.

"I'll see what I can do."

"Lovi~!" I complained, tossing my oven mitts at him.

Perhaps I should explain…My brother and my partner don't exactly get along. Mostly because they don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things - FIFA, German cuisine, carrying concealed weapons, breaking the law…their last argument nearly ended in a knife fight at the dinner table, which is now the reason I no longer prepare anything for the two of them involving steak knives.

You see, Ludwig is a firm believer in upholding the law to preserve order, while my brother… well, occasionally operates _around_ the law to preserve his own kind of order. It's not like he goes around shooting people and robbing banks, but he's not going to be running for humanitarian of the year anytime soon either. I don't think he'd be able to give up hanging around the Black Market crowd long enough to walk an elderly person across the street, or donate the proceedings of his semi-legal weapons dealings to charity. Not that he's a bad person! He was always there for me and protected me when we were kids from a lot of scary people. He really does mean well, he just sees the world in gray while Ludwig sees it in black and white.

I answered the door and let Lud in as he greeted me with a "Hello, Var-er, Feliciano." I couldn't help but laugh. We'd been partners for almost two years and he still did that on occasion. I keep trying to tell him he has to be careful because it sounds like our Chief is rubbing off on him.

"Will he be joining us as well?" asked the blonde, eyeing Lovino as he walked out of the kitchen; salad bowl in one hand, tomato in the other.

"Got a problem with that, potato bastard?"

"Not at all," Ludwig took the high ground and went to hang his coat up.

"Figlio di troia…"

I shot Lovino a warning glance and we both sat down. Ludwig reluctantly took his seat across from Lovi and next to me.

I finally realized that because my table is too small to keep them completely separated, it works out best to have them sit across from each other. That way they have some distance and I can be in between them in case they try to strangle each other and need to be broken up. I learned my lesson after the disastrous meal where I had them sit next to each other in hopes they would get along better. I was so very, _very_ wrong as the dent in the wall can attest. We don't always have dinner together, but when we do it's the definition of lively.

I started passing the salad around and prayed for the best.

It was worth it! Tonight we managed to have a civil dinner for a change! Fratello only swore a few dozen times, but mostly under his breath (big improvement from last time!) and Lud only glared at him a couple times (he's gotten really good at avoiding eye-contact with Lovino). Of course, part of this was because we only got 10 minutes into dinner before fratello's phone went off.

"Well, shit. I gotta go," he frowned, glancing at his text message.

"Okay, fratello!" I smiled. "I'll save you a plate for later."

"Thanks."

"Where do you have to go in such a rush?" asked Ludwig, raising an eyebrow.

"They really need me to volunteer at the nursing home again," Lovi rolled his eyes. "They must be getting slammed with old-timers. After that, I figured I'd swing by the hospital to cure a couple terminal diseases and maybe rescue a damsel in distress before I head back home."

I laughed, but Ludwig maintained his stern face, noting the gun slightly bulging under Lovino's jacket.

"You're not going to engage in any illegal activities are you, Vargas?"

"Of course not, Officer. I'm a model citizen," replied my brother before waving to me. "Ciao, fratello!"

"Ciao!" I returned the wave.

It was a lot…_calmer_ after Lovino left and we were able to finish our meal peacefully (the landlady will be happy). After we were done with the main course, Ludwig helped me clear the table of plates and clean up. He's always so thoughtful!

"Hmph, well, now that your brother's gone and we've eaten, we can get down to business…"

_Uh-oh._

"Ve? I was going to make gelato for dessert…"

"It can wait, this is important…" Ludwig guided me into the living room.

"Important?" I asked. "But you never turn down dessert…"

He coughed slightly and dug something out of his bag.

"I need you, Feliciano; no one else can do this…"

"W-What is it?" I blushed slightly, it wasn't often that Ludwig asked for help.

The blonde found what he was looking for and spread a set of blueprints over the table.

"This is the latest map of areas vandalized by the 'Ghost' gang that's been so active lately," he informed me. "Can you analyze it and find any form of connection between the locations they hit?"

Oh, right. I'm the precinct analyst expert in art and other forms of decoding… I couldn't help but sweatdrop.

"Uh, Ludwig? Do we really have to do this now?" I asked with a forced smile. "I thought the point of these weekly dinners was to get you _away_ from the office."

"I am away from the office."

"I meant aren't we supposed to leave this sort of thing at the office?"

"Feliciano, that doesn't make any sense. Why would I leave this at the office when it's easily transferrable to the home setting?" he furrowed his brow. "If we get this done now, we can focus on other matters at the office tomorrow."

"You really are dedicated to your job, Ludwig," I smiled in spite of it all.

"We're detectives, we have to be," he looked up at me with a small smile.

"Alright, I'll take a look at it, but in an hour, I'm starting dessert," I chided him.

"Fair enough."

After the hour was nearly over, I told Lud that I wasn't able to find anything connecting the eight crime scenes together. It would probably help if I could see pictures of the graffiti and sites themselves, but I wasn't about to point that out to by partner until 8:04 tomorrow morning when I came in late from getting coffee and he was about to scold me about it.

"So I guess I'll just go and get dessert started!"

"Nice try, Feliciano. You still have 12 minutes of work left."

"Aww…"

"Don't give me that look. It won't work this time."

The downside of working with Ludwig so often is that he's starting to gain an immunity to my puppy dog eyes.

"Back to work, Feliciano."

I pouted, but complied.

I tried a couple different patterns and referenced some work by an artist who had been getting famous in a few urban subcultures lately, but nothing could connect the dots of whether the crime scenes were random or held a secret meaning behind them. At 7:38 on the dot, I happily leaped up and skipped into the kitchen, eager to be away from maps and algorithms for awhile. I might me good at that stuff, but I prefer cooking, baking, and creating! Once the work got put away and the gelato came out, our night got a lot better.

When I first started at the precinct, Lud barely said a word to me. At first I thought he just didn't like me, but then I realized he was like that with a lot of people. I figured he just wasn't good at talking to people, so I made sure I got him to say at least one sentence to me each day that didn't involve work or the precinct. Sometimes it was like pulling teeth, but he eventually opened up to me more.

My next goal was to do something about his crazy workaholic schedule. He's often the first person to arrive at the station and the last person to leave. Some days I doubted that he ever left. That's where our weekly dinner get-togethers started. Once a week we'd get together at my place or his to eat and relax after a long work day. Sometimes fratello or Ludwig's older brother would join us too. But never all together. The first and last time we tried that, Gil ended up firing a warning shot into my ceiling after Lovino put a knife to a very surprised Ludwig's throat. Long story short, my safety deposit was blown and Ludwig never called fratello "scrawny" again.

As Lud started talking about Gil's latest invention that involved launching beer cans from the kitchen to the living room, I realized how late it had gotten. Lovino would probably be home soon and it might be better to avoid a post-work confrontation with Ludwig.

"Ve~ Ludwig?" I began.

The front door opened and shut roughly. Too late.

Ludwig stood up cautiously holding a hand over the holster that kept his off-duty gun.

"What was that?" he asked sniffing the air

"Probably just fratello," I tried to calm him. I was used to the scent already.

Lovino walked in with a plate of leftovers and glared.

"You're still here, bastard?"

"Why do you smell like smoke?"

"One of my buddies tried to give up smoking, but couldn't," Lovino shrugged. "Nasty habit."

"I didn't mean cigarette smoke…" Ludwig's gaze hardened.

"Well, it's getting late and we've all had a long day!" I jumped up to pacify them. "Fratello, you probably want a shower, so you can go first while I show Ludwig out!"

My brother scowled at Ludwig one more time before heading down the hallway that lead to the shower. My partner just sighed in response, long having learned to just let some things slide when it came to my twin.

"Feliciano, you are a _heilige_…" he said with a smile as he grabbed his coat.

"Huh?" I asked. My German has improved upon meeting Ludwig, but I was still far from fluent.

"Nevermind," he chuckled. "Thank you for dinner and your assistance with the blueprints."

"Anytime!" I smiled. And of course I meant anytime for dinner, not necessarily overtime work.

* * *

- ELIZABETA'S POV -

* * *

It was another peaceful morning so far at the 12th Precinct. I passed by several officers diligently working at their desks, scribbling away on reports, investigation papers, and the like. Outside, birds were chirping and the sun was shining to brighten the quiet atmosphere inside.

_Feli and Al must not be in yet. _

"What the bloody hell were you doing, you stupid git?!"

Sounds like Alfred just walked in.

"Dude! It's not my fault! You should've returned the brofist!"

"How is it _not_ your fault! _You're_ the one who spilled coffee on _me_!"

"Because I thought you were gonna return the brofist!"

"You're just a clumsy idiot! I'm lucky I didn't get burned!"

I peeked around the corner to see. Sure enough, Alfred was getting another lecture from Arthur, who looked none too happy about the new coffee additions added to his sleeve.

"Aw, you're fine!" laughed the American. "Your skin's as tough as your scones!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" Arthur raged.

"Look man, it was a compliment! You should thank me! I said you were tough!"

"By comparing me to _food_, you glutton!" a brief pause. "And what's wrong with my scones?"

"Uh…"

I took this as my cue to leave. Arthur's a terrible cook, but is somehow completely oblivious to it. That, and he gets really touchy when it's brought up. Definitely a good time to leave.

"If it's your shirt you're so upset about, I would be more than happy to help you remove it, _mon ami_."

And with that, I snapped my head back to the show.

"Get away from me, bloody frog!" Arthur snarled at Francis.

"Now, now, you're being too stubborn. You must remove this at once and wash it before it stains."

"I said get away from me!"

Classic FrUk fight. This never gets old.

"Yeah, Artie! Take it off!"

A little USUK never hurt anyone either.

"What is _wrong_ with you idiots?! Leave me alone or I'll shoot you both!"

A loud cough brought me out of my visions of FrUkUs and back to reality. My heart immediately went out to all three men – our Chief was behind them, stern look on his face.

"Do you realize where you three are standing?" he asked.

"Uh…the precinct?" Alfred made the mistake of answering. Both of his senior partners beside him kicked him in the ankle. "Ow. What?" he hissed.

"Exactly. This is the 12th Precinct of Daten City," our Chief began, eyes hardening. "We are a police station, _not_ a strip club."

Alfred's face turned bright red, while Arthur looked disgusted. Francis put on an apologetic face to cover up his smirk.

"We're very sorry, sir." Francis spoke for them. "It won't happen again.

"See that it doesn't," our boss offered them a curt nod before walking on, passing me.

"Good morning, sir!" I greeted him cheerfully.

"G-Good morning, Officer Héderváry," he replied, quickly looking away from me and continuing his walk to his office.

He can be so odd sometimes.

* * *

- FELICIANO'S POV –

* * *

I walked into the precinct at 8:06 AM. I had been held up at the coffee shop by a cute tourist who needed directions to an art museum. So of course I gave her directions and recommended a few artists and paintings that I was fond of. It wasn't until we started talking about sculptures did I realize what time it was. Oops. I'll be fine as long as—

"Feliciano!" roared a voice.

Uh-oh.

"Where have you been?" asked Ludwig. "Work began six minutes ago, in case you hadn't noticed! Where were you?"

"I was…helping the elderly cross the street?"

"Your brother is a terrible influence on you."

"I was…getting you coffee?" I offered, willing to sacrifice my own coffee for this.

"I can smell all the espresso, sugar, and whatever else you added from here. Try again."

Ugh! Of course! Lud only drinks his coffee black.

"I was…um, just going over the map of the sites the Ghosts hit again and was thinking I should take a look at the specific damage done and graffiti they left to see if it helps connect any of them!"

"Oh?" Ludwig replied, some confusion on his face. "That's actually a good thought. Feliks should be able to get you a copy of those from the Records room."

"Alrighty! I'll be off then!"

No sooner had I started skipping off to the Records room did my pager go off. There was an emergency. I went back to Ludwig to see what was going on just as he was getting off the phone.

"Williams says there's been a suspicious man reported in Daten Park. Witnesses are saying he was hiding something in a grocery bag resembling a bomb," Ludwig began. "There hasn't been any report of a bomb threat, but we've been asked to investigate anyway."

"Right-o!" I replied as we dashed off to my partner's car. We used to take mine, but Ludwig always complained about my driving, so we swapped. I still don't see why though. Neither my brother or Nonno ever complained about it. Oh, well. Off to save the day!

* * *

A/N

Whew! Didn't think I'd have as much fun writing a cop story as much as I did!

Apologies if some of the characters seemed a little OOC. Given his job, I had to make Feli a bit more competent and semi-hardworking to make him more "Detective" material. I figured he'd be good at analyzing locations, symbols, and graffiti given his mad art skillz. And speaking of police positions, please don't take them seriously. I pulled them from a variety of police-type positions/organizations and made up several to better fit specific characters/scenarios. And just so there's no confusion later, this Lovino was based off of several Mafia!Romano's that I've seen/read/fallen in love with, but as of now Lovi's not directly affiliated with a specific mob family. He just has mad connections.

Oh, and there's a reason Elizabeta uses "Nation Names" which will be revealed later. For those of you that want to know the actual/not Hungary's dreamworld pairings for this story, I've listed them under the Translations. It shouldn't come as too much of a surprise for those who've read my other fics, but I didn't want to spoil if for those who like to be surprised :)

Please let me know how I did and I'll seeya next chapter! Ciao!

~Rajikka

**TRANSLATIONS**

Va bene – okay (Italian)

Verdammte – Dammit (German)

Figlio di troia – Son of a bitch (Italian)

Heilige – Saint (German)

Mon ami - My friend (French)

Daten City – Comes from the word Datenshi or "Fallen Angel" in Japanese. It's a fictional place, so for now, think New York meets Chicago meets Tokyo. It'll be described in more detail later.

_Pairings (some happen sooner than others) - Romerica, Gerita, Fruk, Prucan, Aushun, and...that's all that I can say for now. More are likely to pop up as other characters are introduced ;)_


	2. Jelly-Filled part 2

**Crimes & Donuts Chapters**

Jelly-Filled (part 2)

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this crazy attempt at a cop fic.

Warning: swearing, sexual innuendoes, violence (silly and run for your lives types), pairings of all different types/genders, and because this is an AU…some OOCness.

This ended up being a little longer, just so I could wrap up the Jelly-Filled case. Otherwise, this would've been normal sized and the third chapter would've been itty-bitty.

* * *

- LUDWIG'S POV -

* * *

We managed to arrive to the park without incident. Largely in part to the fact that I was driving instead of Feliciano. He's a good cop with excellent instincts, but I still can't figure out to this day how he ever passed his driver's exam.

The crime scene itself didn't feel as dangerous as others, but it would be foolish to let my guard down. Several uniformed officers had begun making the rounds to advise people to stay away from any suspicious-looking man carrying a grocery bag. I gave them orders to warn others to avoid any abandoned bags or sacks that seemed out of place. We didn't want anyone triggering the bomb by accident.

"Ludwig!" my partner called me over. "They're ready to have us interview the witnesses!"

Interviews…probably my least favorite part.

"And then that cheating scuzzball had the nerve to _text_ me that he wanted to break up!" the woman sobbed.

"He _didn't_!" Feliciano gasped, appalled.

The woman simply nodded and accepted the tissue my partner offered her.

"He did! I just can't take it anymore!"

"Oh, you deserve someone so much better than him!" Feliciano exclaimed. "He's not worth it!"

"That's right, officer! You're absolutely right! Thank you! I—"

"Excuse me," I interrupted. They both turned to face me, puzzled. "I appreciate your…willingness to cooperate, but what does this have to do with the suspect concealing a possible bomb?"

"What? I don't know anything about that; I thought you were just asking me about my day!"

Facepalm.

* * *

- FELICIANO'S POV -

* * *

It had been an intensive round of questioning, which is probably why Ludwig looked so tired. He had gone through his entire coffee after just the first three witnesses. Lud even finished off my coffee despite it containing 'enough sugar and espresso to power half of Daten City' (his words, not mine). While we might not have gained any big leads, we at least were able to rule out cheating ex-boyfriends (although the ex-girlfriend was showing some promise after she started shouting at Ludwig), aliens, and Canadian terrorists. Alfred was going to be so disappointed….

"Where should we begin, Ludwig?" I asked.

"We don't have much to go off of," he pinched the bridge of his nose. "So we'd best investigate the area ourselves and see what turns up."

"Should we wait for Arthur and the others?"

"No…we've heard enough screaming for awhile," he sighed. "I'll leave a message with one of the uniformed officers and we'll catch up with them later."

"Okay!" I saluted him and we walked off to find some evidence.

* * *

- MATTHEW'S POV -

* * *

My job at the 12th Precinct is simple, but it's anything except easy – Communications. For the most part, I handle dispatch and provide information to our detectives and officers. I don't always get noticed, so I also do the occasional undercover job as well. Otherwise, I just help out around the precinct where it's needed. Communication…easy, right? Wrong.

The problem is they never hear me when I want them to and they always hear me when I want to hide in the corner and die from sheer embarrassment (usually provided by my brother or my boyfriend).

A perfect example is today. I had relayed the threat of a suspect with a potential bomb to two of our best detective teams and neither got it until I paged them specifically (if they didn't have a ringtone on their devices, I question if they'd ever hear me). So of course, after several attempts (2 for Ludwig's team, 3 for Arthur's) I finally was able to give them the info and send them off. It figures that the only person who heard me on the first try was Gilbert – who was neither on duty or involved in that case at all.

"_Heya, Birdie," _I could hear him grinning over the phone_. "How's it going?_"

"Well, Gil, I'd love to stay and chat, but—" I began.

"_Then stay and chat! It's not like there's a huge emergency or anything!"_ he laughed.

"Um, actually…"

"_What, it's not like that uptight Captain of ours will bitch about you using the phone to talk to an official detective!_" Gil chuckled. "_That guy needs to get laid in the worst kind of way! I bet he only whines about me because I have you to_—"

"Gilbert, he's standing right behind me," I tried to say calmly, my face burning.

"…_This is on speaker phone isn't it?_"

"Well, I _am_ doing dispatch so…"

"…._Scheiße__._"

I quickly excused myself as Captain Edelstein began ripping Gil a new one for using official police lines for his own personal use.

* * *

- FELICIANO'S POV-

* * *

We must have gone over the entire park twice and Ludwig still wouldn't let me stop for a snack! It was horrible! I knew I should have packed extra pasta today. Maybe Lovino would bring some leftover lasagna to the station for me…As long as I timed it for when Ludwig and Roderich were away from their desks…and Arthur was getting tea somewhere…and Alfred was across the street ordering burgers…and Francis was nowhere within five miles of the precinct. This was going to be difficult.

I decided to send him a text message anyway. Never hurt to try. When Ludwig asked what I was doing, I told him I was trying to contact one of my CI's. He nodded and let the subject drop. What a relief! Lovino wasn't exactly a Confidential Informant, but he always helped me when I needed it most – like when I was about to die if I didn't get pasta soon!

Ludwig decided to explore the old warehouse from across the street. It technically wasn't on park grounds, but it was suspicious anyway (aren't all abandoned warehouses?) We opened the rusty doors and walked in. Sunlight poured through the dusty windows, so we didn't need our flashlights quite yet.

Suddenly I heard Ludwig stumble to the ground with a grunt. I turned to see if he tripped on something and felt a sharp blow to the back of my head. Everything went black…

* * *

- FRANCIS' POV -

* * *

It had certainly been an exciting afternoon – bomb threats, angry Englishmen, and beautiful witnesses who had been betrayed by their horrible, unfaithful boyfriends. After I was able to soothe her nerves (and give her my number) we had to race back to the precinct to meet Ludwig and Feliciano to go over the interviews. Normally, I like to take my time, but Ludwig has a thing for punctuality. And by 'thing' I mean 'porcupine stuck up his ass.' Also, for some unfathomable reason, Arthur let Alfred drive. That boy only has two speeds – fast and faster. It's no wonder he and Feli get along so well. Speaking of Feli…

"Oh, isn't that Feliciano?" I asked as we began to walk up the steps to the station.

"I suppose so," Arthur squinted.

His back was to us, but only two people in Daten City had such distinct hair curls…

"I'll go get him!" Alfred offered and jogged up the stairs. "Feli! Hey, Feliiiii!"

…and that wasn't the ahoge-brandishing boy we were seeking.

It all happened faster than a catfight over a designer label dress in Paris during fashion week. Alfred, who was getting no response from the Italian in front of him, ran up and slung his arm over his shoulder. The brunette, not expecting the action, panicked and slugged him in the face. This caused Alfred to stumble backwards, lose his balance and crash into Arthur. The two blondes then stumbled the rest of the way down the stairs (I was able to evade the avalanche with my impeccable and innate grace).

"What the hell were you doing, hamburger bastard?!" the Italian roared. If there was any doubt this wasn't Feliciano, it was cleared up now. "Isn't there a law against assaulting innocent people at the police station?"

"Oh, hey Lovi!" Alfred greeted him brightly, rubbing his slightly bruised cheek. "Didn't realize it was you, buddy!"

"You're anything but 'innocent' you wanker!" Arthur snarled back, shoving the American rookie off him, and glaring at the Italian.

"Sorry, I don't speak 'limey bastard' you jackass!"

"Now, now, no need to get so upset, Lovino," I interjected, walking beside the irritable Italian. "I apologize for our pet rookie's mistake, so how about we all just—"

"Touch me and die, pervert."

I may or may not have shrunk back a little as Alfred bounded back up the stairs, completely unfazed by Feli's violent older twin.

"So what brings you here, Lovino?" he asked.

"My idiot brother, what else?"

"Really? We were just on our way to see him!"

"Perfect, you can be the messenger boy then," Lovino shoved a bag into Alfred's arms. "I'm done dealing with you stupid cops today."

"Oh, really?" I asked with a smirk. "Say, the main suspect in our investigation today was carrying a paper bag as well. Maybe we need to take you in for some _questioning_?"

Lovino was about to retort, but Arthur was faster.

"You already got to harass enough of the city's population today, frog. Now move your ass before I tell the Captain how you gave out your number to several key witnesses!"

"Why, Arthur!" I exclaimed, looking completely aghast. "I was merely comforting them and giving them a number to use if they required more support!"

"Then explain why you only gave it out to pretty girls."

"Well, you see, none of the men we interviewed were—"

"Forget I asked. Let's go."

* * *

- ARTHUR'S POV -

* * *

It had been over an hour.

For an entire hour, I was subjugated to Francis hitting on the new intern and Alfred talking with his mouth full of…whatever Lovino had given him to deliver to his brother (it was hard to tell with the state it was currently in). Francis claimed he was only helping the young boy learn the ropes while Alfred jokingly justified eating Feliciano's lunch as punishment for making us wait. Just as I was about to start pulling my hair out, Matthew flew in (good thing he alerted me by slamming the door, he blends right in most of the time) with urgent news.

"G-Guys! This is important!"

"What is it, mon ami?"

"Yeah, bro, we're waiting for Ludwig and Feliciano," Alfred said through mouthfuls of pasta. "Uh…don't tell Feli I found his lunch first, okay?"

"Forget that! This is _about_ Ludwig and Feliciano!" his brother shouted…to the best of his ability. "I just got a message from Ludwig!"

"Did that git explain why he's so late?" I asked, annoyed.

"No! He hit the panic button on his pager 45 minutes ago! I've been trying to get a hold of you guys for over half an hour!"

Cue mass-sweatdropping.

"W-We'll get right on it, Matthew!" I stood up and grabbed my coat. "Send us the coordinates and we'll be on our way!"

We followed the coordinates Matthew sent us and unsurprisingly ended up back in the park district. I had driven, so we got there in no time at all.

"A warehouse…" I muttered. "It's always a bloody warehouse…"

Following Ludwig's distress signal (and every clichéd movie involving a kidnapping), we ended up in the basement level where we found the missing detectives. Both were conscious and seemed unharmed, but were also tied to a chair with some kind of device beside them.

"The hero has arrived!" Alfred exclaimed, jogging over towards his comrades and tossing all means of stealth into the wind.

"Aren't you glad we found you both?" Francis gloated. It was no wonder Alfred behaved the way he did when his senior partner was no better. Thank god he had me to provide a suitable example of how to act.

"Alfred! Francis! Arthur!" beamed Feliciano. "I'm glad to see you guys!"

"Ohonhonhon!" the pervert laughed, gesturing to the ropes. "So am I! I never knew you both were into that sort of thing!"

"If the three of you are done acting like fools, perhaps you can do something about the bomb attached to us?" Ludwig glared.

"A bomb?" I repeated.

Alfred and Francis proceeded to fly off their trolley while I had to get them to calm down again.

"For far too long has my kind been ignored…" a voice hissed from the shadows. It was largely ignored due to the French-American Freak Out.

"Shut up or I'll shoot both of you!"

"Waaaah! Lud! We're going to diiiiiie!"

"He was talking to the others, Feliciano."

"Waaaaaaah!"

"Don't be so surprised when the people who are stepped on every day finally rise up against you in a grand revolution!" The criminal raised his voice. Again he was ignored.

"A-A BOMB?! Mon dieu! What are we supposed to do about a BOMB! We'll be killed! And I _just_ got my hair done!"

"D-Dude! Nobody taught me how to disarm those things yet! Why didn't anyone teach me how to disarm bombs?!"

"Kneel before my glorious—HEY! Are you guys even listening to me!" the 'mastermind' shouted, his revolutionist façade slipping for a more angry hobo image. "HEEEEY! Pay attention to me, dammit!"

This time, we all looked at him. He was an average-looking man in his mid-30s with an average build and an average appearance. He wore a dirty white shirt, old brown jacket, jeans and mismatched shoes.

"Are you the one behind this?" I asked sternly.

"Yes! I designed the bomb myself!" he boasted. "Admit it, you're impressed!"

"Good," I nodded and turned to the rookie. "Alfred, smash."

The criminal was barely able to ask what the hell that meant as Alfred tackled him to the ground in one swift movement. Francis helped hold the budding terrorist and cuff him. I demanded to be told how to deactivate the bomb, but the little shit refused to talk.

"W-What are we gonna do?!" Feliciano asked his partner, panic in his voice.

"I'm not exactly in the position to look at it or dismantle it…" he sighed. "Kirkland, would you mind?"

I quickly began looking the bomb over, but was not about to let this opportunity slip.

"I'm surprised the Great Detective Beilschmidt would trust me with his life like this!"

"I don't plan on making a habit of it, don't worry," Ludwig frowned. "It was either you or one of your dummkopf partners."

"That's understandable," I smirked as I worked on the bomb.

I sounded confident on the outside, but the deeper I got into the bomb, the more uncertain I became. The munition circuitry in particular was completely baffling. Nothing was where it should be and without an RCV, I couldn't even tell if I was dealing with a chemical, biological, or (highly unlikely) a nuclear agent. I was just grateful the area around us was less populated and the park had been cleared out of most of its occupants while searching for the bomb.

Not that it really helped any of _us_ out any if this bloody thing went off.

"Problem, Kirkland?" the German asked, slightly worried.

"It doesn't resemble any bomb I've seen before…"

"Should we call a bomb squad?" he asked as a tiny beep went off.

"W-What was that?" Feli squeaked.

"…Scratch calling a bomb squad."

"Why?" growled the German.

"I might have set off the timer and it's counting down…" I replied meekly.

"WHAT?!" four voices cried out.

"How much time do we have?" Ludwig asked, trying to keep his cool.

"Five minutes."

"We're gonna end up like smashed jelly donuts!" Alfred shouted.

"Non! I'm too beautiful to die!" Francis shrieked.

"I-I can't die yet! Fratello will kill me!"

"That's right! I'm so sorry Feli!" the rookie remembered his lunch. "I was the one who ate your lasagna! I was gonna pin it on Artie, but it was me!"

"YOU ATE MY LASAGNA?!"

"Haha! Take that, pigs!" the explosives enthusiast next to Alfred crowed. "What a fool to have set it off! How predictably stupid!"

"Shut up, you bloody git!" I turned to yell at the idiot, which caused Ludwig to demand I get back to work. "I know, I know! Five minutes is plenty of time, I just have to figure out the deactivation wire! Once I know that, disarming it will be easier than cooking a cake!"

Several whimpers were heard.

"_Baking_ a cake, Arthur," Francis sighed. "You _bake_ a cake!"

"Piss off, frog! Who asked you?!" I shouted back, cheeks a bit flushed. "This moron coded all the wires the same, so it's just a little harder than your average bomb…Dammit, what I wouldn't give for a Pigstick…"

After explaining to Feliciano that I was asking for a water-jet disrupter and not shish kabob, Ludwig told Francis to take a picture of the bomb, so he could get a better look at it. Unfortunately after studying it for a moment, he and I had a disagreement over which wire to cut. Typical stubborn German.

"U-Um, Mr. Bad Guy, would you please tell us which wire to cut?" Feliciano tried asking nicely.

"Never! Haha! We're all going to die here together!" he laughed at him and began singing. "Everyone will die~! Everyone will burn~! Only my revolution will remain~!"

Alfred tried asking with the same result. That song was really starting to annoy me. At the two minute mark, I ordered him to talk.

"Death to the government lapdogs~! Deeeeeeeath~!"

Without looking, I whipped out my gun and shot him in the kneecap. Everyone was a little started to say the least.

"Artie! What the fuck?!" Alfred shouted, eyes wide. "A little warning would have been nice!"

"You _shot_ me!" the criminal wailed in pain. "You _shot_ me in the fucking knee!"

"Your other one's next if you don't tell me which bloody wire to cut," I gave him a deathglare and aimed my gun.

"F-First one on the left!" he squeaked in fear.

It was the one neither Ludwig or I had suspected, so it was Ludwig's turn to make the guy wet himself.

"If you are lying, I will send you to hell myself…" he threatened, icy blue eyes piercing a hole through the little man before him.

"I-I'm telling the truth, I swear!"

It was good enough for me. I cut the wire with one minute to spare, deactivating the bomb. A huge sigh of relief resounded through the room. Francis called for reinforcements and the bomb squad came in to sweep the area for more bombs, just in case. When reinforcements arrived, they made sure Feliciano and Ludwig were safe, while I personally escorted our little terrorist friend out.

"I still can't believe you shot him, Arthur!" Alfred exclaimed somewhere between shock and awe. It was also one of the few times he called me by my actual name. I should shoot people more often…

"It was self-defense," I said in a bored tone.

"What? But I had him!" the rookie insisted. "You weren't in danger."

"It wasn't me, it was you," I nodded. "Wanker was pulling out a knife."

"Wait, what?" Alfred was puzzled. "How would you know? You're back was turned!"

I shoved my hand into the criminal's back, like a gun.

"Oi, wanker. You had a knife, didn't you?"

"U-Uh, yes sir!" he jolted. "I had a very large knife! It was all kinds of scary!"

Alfred blinked while Francis just sweatdropped.

"I believe that's called intimidating the criminal, mon ami…"

* * *

A/N

I always wondered for every good interview the police get, just how many whacked-out, crazy, drug-induced interviews they have to suffer through first.

Also, since the Roman Word is that British police are the best, I took that to heart when writing Arthur. If I was ever in a situation requiring a cop, I sure as hell would want the guy willing to kneecap the douchebag responsible for the incident and then book him for every citation and offense possible. The cute accent doesn't hurt either.

-Rajikka

**TRANSLATIONS**

Scheiße – Shit (German)

Ahoge – literally "idiot hair" (Japanese) Originally a hairdresser's term for the "stupid hairs" or cowlicks that would not comb down, it can now mean the character with an ahoge is stupid, naïve, or strange. Of course not every character with one fits into any of those categories. Sometimes crazy hair just happens.

Dummkopf – Dumb head (German)

Mon dieu – My god (French)

Mon ami – My friend (French)

Pigstick – British Army term for the water-jet disrupter that is commonly found on "Wheelbarrows" (remotely operated vehicles). It's a very reliable device for disabling bombs and now used worldwide. (English)


End file.
